Holding on tight…

to this life.  Some days it is harder than others.  Some days I think longingly of days gone by; happy times with Jim and watching my children grow.  However the sheer joy of being alive is always with me.

The doctor visits and tests at times seem more than I can bear.  I am a fighter and so I deal with it.  I am always grateful to see another day.

It has been almost one year since I started using the C-pap mask.  I have to see the pulmonary doctor in March.  Medicare and Health Alliance together have paid for most of the cost of it.  I guess I am sleeping better.  At least I was told that I would.  I still have sleepless nights occasionally if I go to bed with some worrying thing on my mind.

“No one longs to live more than someone growing old.”

~ Sophocles ~

You know…

this growing older thing is pretty hard to manage.  There are so many things I have to cope with, so many health problems and a ton of meds I have to take.  I know when the forecast is for rain because every bone in my body aches.  Arthritis has lived with me for the last 30 or so years.

However, I dutifully set the alarm for 6:30 AM each morning and go to bed at 10PM each night.  And I thank God each morning when I get up for allowing me another day.  I hurriedly take off the C-pap mask and check out the new wrinkles caused by it. 

 I take my morning pills, all 10 of them knowing full well that I have another pill to take at noon and 3 more pills to take in the evening.  I get dressed and head for my exercise bike.  If my back and bones are not yelling at me I try to exercise for half an hour.  If they are hollering too much, I stop at 15 minutes.

This is a far cry from before I moved here.  I would go to the fitness center and workout for about 45 minutes 3 or 4 days a week.  After I exercise and rest for a few minutes I fix breakfast, usually a high fiber cereal with banana and 1% milk. 

Then I check my computer for emails and write 1 or 2 blogs.  I comment on dozens of blogs written by my followers.  Then I am off to run errands and I come back to my home which really needs me to pay attention to it.

Perhaps I will bake something just to have something to do.  I end up taking all or most of it to my daughter and son in law.

Lunch is usually a TV dinner except I cook on the weekend.

And I will say again that growing older is much better than the alternative.  beth

It really is…

great to be alive!  I thank God each day I am able to get out of bed and am able to take care of myself and maintain my own home.  I feel blessed to have family that cares.

Today my daughter and I went to the local garage sales, all 11 of them.  I found a deacon’s bench in really good condition for $15.  That thing is so heavy my daughter and I had quite a time wrestling it into the trunk of my car.  Then she came home with me and helped me clean it, first with wood soap and then a good wax.  Now to find exactly where I want to put it!

Sorry to have been so tardy with posting on here.  Right now I am living one day at a time.  Really, that is all that anyone has.  beth

January 2009

The following is an excerpt from my Windows blog dated 3 January 2009.

“Yesterday the chocolate and peanut butter fudge and I went to the nursing home to see my old neighbor. Her daughter C. is a nurse practitioner. C took her mother to the Mayo Clinic for an evaluation the first part of December. Seems the doctor in my big city misdiagnosed the type of neuropathy that she has. If the treatment had been different she might still be in her own home. There will be new treatment for her as soon as all of the paperwork gets back from Mayo. Sounds to me like grounds for some type of legal action. I feel so bad for her and I hope I never end up in a nursing home.”

In one of my posts on this blog I mentioned my friend in the nursing home and how I had to force myself to visit her, but I did it because it was the right thing to do.  My friend was first diagnosed with neuropathy in December 2006 right before Jim died.  She lived across the alley from me and I remember her making her way across the alley barely being able to walk to bring me a complete roast beef dinner.  Shortly she was in the nursing home and confined to the wheel chair. 

After she began treatment prescribed through the Mayo Clinic she began to see some marked improvement.  First being able to stand between bars and then progressing to a few steps.  I am happy to report that she is as of this year (2012) doing well.  Although still confined to the wheel chair, she is able to take enough steps to get her from her chair to the bed, etc.  She is in her mid 80s and is involved in all types of recreation at the nursing home.  beth

The summer passed…

quickly in 2007.  Soon it was October and my WV sis came by Amtrak and bus to visit me again.  I met her at the bus station in Champaign on October 18th.

We were going to our brother’s wedding  near St. Louis on the Illinois side.  His first wife had died of cancer quite a few years ago.  The trip down to O’Fallon was beautiful.  The further south we went the more color we saw on the trees.

The wedding went off without a hitch.  I am really not sure why we went to the wedding.  Of course our brother was delighted to see us.  His new bride was rather standoffish and didn’t go out of her way for us.  Our brother had booked us a room at a very nice motel.  We stayed for all of the events and the day after we got back in my car and headed home.

Rae went with me to Curves the next day.  She thought it would get me out of the house  which she thought I needed.  She belongs to Curves where she lives in WV and at that time was 4 years.  (Presently it is 8 years)

I took Rae to Champaign on the 23rd to catch the bus on the first leg of her journey home.  I didn’t have a peaceful moment till she called and told me she had arrived home safely.

I loved Curves and I went faithfully 5 days a week, even though you should really only go 3 times a week. Our Curves closed in 2009.  After that I went to the fitness center 3 times a week for workouts.  I had a personal trainer the first week which set me back a pretty penny.  I hated to leave it when I moved here.  beth

It was June 2007…

and I had family surrounding me.  My sis and her husband from WV had come for a visit.  

On Friday we went to Rantoul where they were having city wide garage sales.  It was so much fun, but I was remembering one time a few years earlier when we were all together in Champaign for the garage sales.  Jim was driving and Rae and I wanted to stop at every garage sale.  I remember  it was a really hot day. If I remember correctly we ate at the Red Lobster that day.  I am sure my sis will let me know if I am wrong because she remembers everything. I conveniently have a selective memory which I have mentioned before in one of my other blogs.

On Saturday my brother and his soon to be wife came up from near St. Louis.  My daughter and her husband arrived  and my son came too.  It was wonderful to have family around.  We were all together for the noon meal, then they all started for their homes.

My sis and brother in law stayed  till the next day (Sunday) and they went home.  And then I felt alone again.  beth

Thoughts to live by…

The following is my post from late April 2006 published on Windows Live Spaces.

• Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
• You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
• Love…and you shall be loved.
• All people smile in the same language.
• A hug is a great gift…one size fits all. It can be given for any occasion and it’s easy to exchange.
• Everyone needs to be loved…especially when they don’t deserve it.
• The real measure of a man’s wealth is what he has invested in eternity.
• Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
• It’s important for parents to live the same things they teach.
• If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have nothing today to be thankful for.
• Happy memories never wear out…relive them as often as you want.
• Home is the place where we grumble the most, but are often treated the best.
• The choice you make today will usually affect tomorrow.
• Take time to laugh for it is the music of the soul.
• If anyone speaks badly of you, live so no one will believe it.
• Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.
• Love is strengthened by working through conflicts together.
• The best thing parents can do for their children is to love each other.
• Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts.
• To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it.
• We take for granted the things we should be giving thanks for.
• Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished.
• Happiness is enhanced by others but does not depend upon others.
• You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven.
• For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back.
• Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, and where you are.
• The best gifts to give:

To your friends – loyalty

To your enemy – forgiveness

To a child – a good example

To all men and women – charity

This one is my favorite.  “If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have nothing today to be thankful for. “

I have so many things to be thankful for!  beth

And now…

I am back to where I was when I started this blog.  Friends rallying around me, stopping by trying to help.

I was still grieving and there were no grief support groups in my little bitty town.  I checked and there were support groups at Covenant Hospital in Champaign and several of the churches in Champaign.   However all of the meetings were held in the evening and it was the dead of winter.  As I mentioned in previous posts, winter started with a bang on November 30 and just kept on keeping on.  The weather and driving a 60 mile round trip at night put an end to that thought.

I finally got an appointment with a psychologist  the first part of April.  The only one that my insurance company would allow me to see.  I made an appointment and went to see her.  The first words out of her mouth were “I don’t handle grief counseling, why are you here.”  She did condescend to talk to me a little bit.

After such a warm greeting from this professional I was in tears.  She asked me why I was crying.  She told me that I should be past the tear stage after 4 months.  She then rattled on in the same line without letting me get in a word edgewise.

She then told me it was time for her next patient and did I want to make another appointment.  I told her no thank you, I think I can handle this all by myself.

And I did handle it.  I told myself that I was tough and I was going to make it, and I did.  beth

The next day..

My daughter arrived and we went to the funeral home to make arrangements for a memorial service to be in the late morning of December the 8th.The memory of that is all a blur to me.  I was depending on my daughter to get the facts right for the local newspaper and the Champaign News Gazette.

My sis and brother in law from West Virginia arrived a couple days later.  Rae helped me do everything that needed to be done, certified copies of the death certificate, etc.  And since Jim was a retired federal civil service worker, I spent hours on the phone for day getting his life insurance through the government straightened out.  I had to send a copy of everything to them to get  the insurance and my pension straightened out.  They were vey helpful and understanding.  I was doing all of this while I was still in a state of shock.

The day of the funeral there was still snow on the ground and it was bitter cold with the temp below zero.

“Temperatures -- The first several days of December were unseasonably cold, with a fresh snow cover helping to bring low temperatures even further downward. Peoria set a record low of 4 below zero on the 8th, and other locations along and west of the Illinois River fell below zero as well.”

My sis and her husband left to go home the day after the memorial service.

The ladies at the church had a lovely meal prepared for us.

The day after the memorial service everyone was gone.  I was alone.  beth

The trip to Chicago…

The weather forecast was not good for our trip.

Below is the weather forecast for Nov 30 and Dec 1, 2006

Event Overview:
Widespread freezing rain and sleet affected many locations in central Illinois west of I-57 on Thursday November 30.  Eleven counties in central Illinois reported ice ranging from a quarter to 2 inches thick, with the thickest ice around Decatur, Taylorville, Clinton and Mount Pulaski.  Eight counties reported heavy sleet ranging in depth from a half to 2.2 inches. This icy precipitation resulted in numerous traffic accidents, downed several large tree limbs and power lines, which resulted in power outages for several days in some spots.

The mixed precipitation changed to snow Thursday night and early Friday morning of  December 1 and ended by noon Friday.  The heaviest snow occurred along and west of the Illinois River, where snow accumulations were 8 to 16 inches. Areas east of the Illinois River, especially along the I-55 corridor had snow amounts ranging from 3 to 8 inches on top of the ice and sleet.  The snow and ice accumulations got about as far east as I-57. 

Because of this I asked my brother if he would drive up from near St. Louis and take us.  He agreed immediately. Jim was so weak that we rented a wheelchair from the pharmacy where our friend Sandi worked.  It was a Godsend.

Our son met us and we went to the hospital.  It is a huge hospital.  Our son pushed Jim in the wheelchair and we had a half dozen places and doctors in the hospital that we had to find.   It was a very sad, trying day for us all.

My brother had made motel reservations for us all close to Chicago.   I will never forget the kindness shown to Jim and me by my brother.  He took care of everything.

The next morning I tried to rouse Jim but he was unresponsive. The motel called an ambulance and he was taken to a nearby hospital.  Following is my post from 1 December 2006 on Windows Live Spaces.

“Today I lost the dearest friend that I have had for 50 years. Tomorrow would have been our anniversary.

Jim passed away this afternoon at 3:15 PM at St James Hospital close to Chicago. My heart is broken.

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and prayers you shared with us these past months. Bless you all.”

beth

It didn’t work…

The aggressive chemo did nothing but make Jim sicker.  He was given 10 units of blood and then because of the chemo he had to have dialysis.  We both knew the end was near but we didn’t like to talk about it.  Jim must have told me  a dozen or more times how very much he appreciated my taking care of him.

I would always reply by asking him if our roles were reversed would he take care of me.  Of course, was always his answer,  It was hard but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  Jim was my life companion and the thought of losing him was terrifying for me.

We spent the next three weeks in and out of the hospital and finally the last visit to see his oncologist.

I am quoting an excerpt from my WLS blog dated 21 November 2006:

“This will be my last post for awhile as I have many things to get done. The oncologist told Jim today that he could do nothing more for him. We have been referred to a specialist in Chicago at Rush Hospital that deals in clinical trial type cancer meds. This appt is Nov 30th. This is our last hope. The doctor told us today that as it stands now there is about 2 months left to us. Very hard news for us to take during the holiday season. I feel very grateful to have had Jim for 51 years (this Dec 2nd). I am asking if each of you will remember Jim in your prayers and ask God to help us to be strong.”  Tomorrow our trip to Rush Hospital.  beth

Back in the hospital…

Jim’s white blood count was dangerously low so he was back in the hospital again.  This time he was having what the oncologist called last ditch chemo.  He was in the hospital at the time his sister’s remains were brought back from Florida to her home town for burial.

Jim’s nephew came down from Wisconsin for the funeral and afterwards he made a special trip to come by the hospital and see Jim.  His nephew and Jim were very close and Mike had a way of joking with Jim that boosted his spirits even while he was so ill.  Mike had tried to persuade Jim’s sister’s family to come by the hospital to see Jim.  It would have taken them about 1 hour’s drive out of the way.  They chose not to and Jim couldn’t understand why.  Neither could I, to tell the truth, and it still bothers me some.

Jim ended up being in the hospital on Halloween.  There hadn’t been one major holiday that was normal for us those two years.

One of Jim’s nurses brought her children by in costume to cheer him up.  This meant so much!  To me, especially, Jim was too sick to enjoy the visit.

beth

Still remembering…

Sorry if I seem to be jumping around here from on subject to another.  I am just writing what is in my heart.

One or two of my readers are familiar with what was happening in my life at that time as I was a faithful blogger when possible on Windows Live Spaces then.  My blogging friends held me up with words of encouragement and prayer.

I was terrified  while I was driving around in Champaign that day, trying to remember how to get on Interstate 57.  I finally ended up going clear over by the old Target store and picking  up 57 there.  This added an extra hour to my travel time when all was said and done because I had been driving around aimlessly for awhile.

Jim asked where I had been for so long.  I simply told him that I got held up by a train.  That was a reasonable explanation because there is a railroad crossing close to Market Street and it is common to be  held in traffic there for half an hour or so.

There was no way to tell him that I was lost.  I talked to the nurse that afternoon and asked her to tell the doctor that I was very uncomfortable not being able to tell Jim about his sister.  The next morning Jim was given a strong sedative and I told him.  I remember his exact words, “I wondered why she hadn’t called me the last few days.”

This was not Jim’s final hospital stay.  I took him home a couple days later only to be back in the hospital almost immediately.  beth

Moving on…

For the 2 years of Jim’s illness I ignored my own health.  I knew that my BP was getting out of control.  I was so busy being a caregiver that I wasn’t taking care of myself.  Jim was in the hospital so many times and I was spending each day that he was there with him.

I would get up at 7 AM and drive myself the 30 miles to the hospital in Champaign where he was a patient.  I would stay until about 45 minutes until dark and then I would drive  home.

As his illness progressed the rounds of chemo got more aggressive and I would stay day and night only going home long enough to check the mail at the post office and get a shower and change of clothing.

In late October a few weeks before he died I received word that his sister in Florida had passed away.  I was at the hospital with Jim when I received the news.  I had been there all night with him and I needed to go home to change clothes and pay some bills, etc.  I asked his doctor about telling Jim the news.  The doctor  thought that he was too weak to be told.

I couldn’t find my way out of Champaign!  I had driven in this University city for over 40 years and traveled back and forth dozens of times to the hospital in all kinds of weather and I couldn’t find I 57.  I was so stressed out about how I would tell Jim this devastating news.  I drove clear across town and finally picked up an entrance ramp which put me  miles out of the way.

The story at this time is not nearly finished so I will continue it tomorrow.

beth

I took this picture out of the window of Jim’s hospital room on the 7th floor in October 2006.  You can see some of the University of Illinois buildings in the background.

One day at a time…

Actually after Jim was gone it was more like one minute at a time.  I cried a lot, got out of bed each morning,  went through each day in a daze.

I had friends that rallied around me but my family was scattered, my daughter 100 miles away in one direction and my son 125 miles away in another direction. My one remaining sister was in WV and my one remaining brother was in living close to St. Louis.  I was alone.

I had Sandi and Rex next door, my dear friend Jo across the street on the corner who tried to look out for me.  My friend Chris was in the nursing home by this time.  Annie and Bill (Jim’s best friend) lived just down the street.

It seemed like the winter lasted forever with one snow after another that first few months alone.  Neighbors that I barely knew across the side street from me  were seeing that my long driveway was plowed.

Sandi was finding a reason to stop by each day on her lunch hour just to see how I was.  beth

Walking hand in hand with AFIB…

is Sleep Apnea.  While I was in the hospital being diagnosed with AFIB I was told that I had stopped breathing many times during the night.  How did they know this?  I was hooked up to a heart monitor.  The Sleep Apnea was the double whammy.

Of course I fought this diagnosis, thinking what next.  I was then sent to see a pulmonary doctor.  I was definitely not fond of him as he gave a thorough examination from head to toe.  I had a name for him which I won’t mention here.  Suffice to say, there were no more thorough examinations for me on follow-up visits.

I had a sleep study test done at home which I failed.  I was then told to come into the hospital for a night to have my sleep monitored.  That was quite an experience.  I had many wires stuck in my head with some nasty kind of glue and electrodes on my chest and legs.  It took 3 shampoos to get the stuff out of my hair.  Failed that too.

OK, so the diagnosis is definitely  severe Sleep Apnea.  I had to go back a couple of weeks later for another sleep study.

Tomorrow, living with the C-Pap.  beth

Back to the handbasket topic…

I was discussing yesterday.  I lived alone for 4 years after my husband died .  One fine day in March 2010 I woke up with the  thought on my mind to call the realtor.  Since I lived in a very small town there were not too many to choose from.  He came, took photos, started showing my house.  It was sold on the 5th day.

I had lots of work to do.  The closing date was 15 April.  I did all of the packing by myself.  I am talking 50 years + accumulation.  I had several garage sales, made dozens of phone calls changing address, etc.  I hired a moving van.

I moved into a 2 bedroom brick 4 plex.   I have good neighbors that I like very much.
And now back to that handbasket thing.  I was feeling good while I was doing all of that packing, downsizing, having garage sales, etc.

Things were fine when I first moved here.  I had a primary care doctor recommended to me by my doctor in Champaign.

Then the first week in October I woke up at midnight with my heart racing so fast and very nauseated.  I called my daughter and she took me to the local hospital.  When I got there my heart rate was 198 beats per minute.  After a 3 day stay, diagnosis AFib.

What is atrial fibrillation?

Atrial fibrillation (AF or AFib) is the most common irregular heart rhythm that starts in the atria. Instead of the SA node (sinus node) directing the electrical rhythm, many different impulses rapidly fire at once, causing a very fast, chaotic rhythm in the atria. Because the electrical impulses are so fast and chaotic, the atria cannot contract and/or squeeze blood effectively into the
 ventricle.  
 An ECG recording of atrial fibrillation Instead of the impulse traveling in an orderly fashion through the heart, many impulses begin at the same time and spread through the atria, competing for a chance to travel through the AV node. The AV node limits the number of impulses that travel to the ventricles, but many impulses get through in a fast and disorganized manner. The ventricles contract irregularly, leading to a rapid and irregular heartbeat. The rate of impulses in the atria can range from 300 to 600 beats per minute.


And that was just the beginning of my handbasket trip.   beth

It takes a lot of work…

to grow older.  How do I know this for a fact?  Well, I just do.  Take my word for it.  As you grow older first one thing begins to fail and then another.  You have one health problem after another.

Then after 50 years with one of the best guys on earth, you lose him to cancer,  Just like you had lost one brother and three sisters to cancer.  You think that you can’t go on but your sister tells you that you can go on and that you have to go on.

So you go on.  And believe me it is harder than h*** to go on.  But I did.

mamade